I had already struggled with anxiety and depression before Edward was born, but when he arrived it became even harder. Suddenly I had another human being depending on me and I had to protect him. I didn’t know if I could do it. Every time I stepped out of the house, it was fear — I couldn’t even walk down the street without being out of breath because of my anxiety. I worried constantly about what might happen and whether I could cope.
Because of how I was feeling, Edward and I didn’t really bond at the beginning. I loved him, but I was overwhelmed and exhausted and I didn’t feel like the mum I wanted to be.
The turning point came at my last health visitor appointment. I had just woken up and the house was a mess, but I didn’t have the energy to do anything about it. When she asked if I was struggling, I finally said yes. She referred me to Thrive at Five, and that’s how I met Grace, one of their Parent Connectors.
At first, we would just meet for a coffee and a chat. Even that felt like a big step, but having someone to leave the house with made it feel less frightening. Over time, Grace encouraged me to come to St Hilda’s parent, baby and toddler group. It was scary at first, but I wasn’t doing it alone.
Slowly, things began to change. Getting out of the house helped reduce my anxiety and meeting other parents helped me realise I wasn’t the only one finding things difficult. I stopped feeling so isolated and anxious because I was getting out and meeting people. At first it was scary to be in social situations, but Grace helped me find my feet in the group and helped me make friends. I started to get my confidence back.
When he was first born, we didn’t really bond but now we do. Now he wakes up and tells me I’m the best mummy. He says I’m his best friend and he loves his cuddles.
Because I feel better, I can give him more of my time and attention. As I began to feel better in myself, things started to change between me and Edward too. I was able to spend more time with him, sitting with him, playing with him and teaching him things, and our bond started to grow stronger. He’s come on leaps and bounds at nursery because I have the time to sit down with him and teach him things. I’ve watched him develop into such a polite little boy and all the teachers love him at school.
Being part of the group at St Hilda’s also helped me feel like I belonged somewhere. Before that I didn’t really have any friends here, but through the group and volunteering I started getting to know people and building friendships.
St Hilda’s means the world to me because it’s what got me out there. It’s changed how I think about things and how I see life. Before, I felt really down and had a lot of negative thoughts. Now I’m thinking happier thoughts and I’m out there talking to people and being part of things.
When I first moved here, I felt like I had no one. Now I realise I had everyone, I just needed help to find them.
I’m a lot happier now, I think more positively and Edward is better off for it too.
